Holidays

 
 

Ahh… the holidays!  The bright shiny lights, the presents, the free flowing champagne… It’s no small wonder that the inhabitants of Gaycrest don’t implode during this season. 

Unfortunately, the holidays are not happy time for everyone.  Poor Chad, those holiday lights may be shining brightly everywhere, but you don’t really feel all bright and shiny inside, do you?

December found Chad doing not so well. His recent antics – breaking up with Gary and then hooking up with someone else’s date at a party meant he wasn’t exactly in the Gaggles good graces.  To make matters worse, his job at the Virgin Atlantic counter had just informed him his hours would be cut in half.  Now Chad was not exactly a saver, in fact no one really knew where his money went; although his love for anything shiny and remotely trendy certainly caused quite a few speculations. So there he was, somewhat friendless, and not really knowing how he was going to make next months rent on his sparsely furnished studio.  Well, he DID know of something, but it was definitely nothing a self-respecting man would do. But desperate times…

“Elf Eleven!  Elf Eleven!”  Santa’s nasally voice woke him up.
“Yeah, um… I’m here.” He muttered drowsily while crawling out form under the fake pine tree.
“You were supposed to be at your station twenty minutes ago!  This is unacceptable!  What were you doing under that tree? I should fire your skinny fairy ass. Now go over there and make someone happy!”
“More than you’ve done in your entire life” he muttered
“What???”
“Nothing. Going, going!”

The hat made his heat sweat and the green tights made his balls itch. Chad was working part time at Style Gorge, the local mall, as an elf. And not one of his friends knew. Well, not until the incident involving the reindeer, a dildo, and whipped cream broke the front pages of the local gay rag.  But I’ll get to that later.

Santa’s village consisted of fourteen elves. Ten of those elves had to frolic in the snow, pretend to be looking after the reindeer, or working on toys. The other two elves worked inside the “workshop” and were, to the public, Santa’s “special” elves. In reality they were there to make sure Santa didn’t get peed on or pucked on by some child. Their job was to place the child on Santa’s lap and then whisk him or her away rapidly as soon as the photo had been taken.  The final two elves worked as either the photographer’s assistant or in crowd control out on the line.

Chad had been placed in charge of “Reindeer Care”.
His favorite part of the job was standing behind Rudolph and pretend to give him very, very special attention.  In turn, he got to see the crowds look in puzzlement, then in surprise, then in disgust, and then, right before they could say anything, it was their turn to go into Santa’s hut.

Santa himself was really Jules from Missouri, an in-denial homophobe who took a weird and sadistic pleasure in ordering the elves about.  Whenever they were in Santa’s workshop, the elves and all employees had to call him Santa.  But whenever they were in the back room, Santa made the elves call him “Jule-tide”.  Like yuletide. The elves just called him “Jule-suck-me-fuck-me-and-like-it”  but not to his face. Not because he might get ideas, but because the very thought of getting fucked by a fat bastard made their toes curl (and not in a good way) inside their little elf shoes.
Did I mention that seven out of the fourteen elves were gay, and one was a lesbian?

It really was the lesbian’s fault. I think her name was Brenda. But more of that later.

There were two days left until Christmas and the elves were gearing up for a busy day. In just twenty minutes the doors would open and a flood of angry parents and children would burst through, trying to be the first ones to get to Santa. The elves made sure the photo equipment was working, the lighting was on and the music was set.

Jules, or Santa, called Chad over. “I need you to test my lap”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard. Sit down and shut up. I want to pretend you’re a little boy.”
Chad looked at Jules like he had sprouted three heads.
“HAHAHA YOU WANT THAT DON’T YOU!” Santa screamed, then catching his breath, “Oh please don’t pretend you don’t see them. Everyday they come, sometimes its just one couple, sometimes its two or three. Just like you. Kicking their little Prada loafers and wiggling their little buts about” At this point Jules held his hands in front of him and mimicked prancing. His voice got louder. “Oh lets go sit on Santa’s lap and talk about the first thing is to come up!  Hee hee hee!  Aren’t we funny and GAY!  And I have to put up with you and them! I’m SICK OF IT!  SICK! “
“Yes you are” Chad muttered.
“Homos. All of you. Freaks.” Santa muttered and turned away.

Chad couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He told Elves Nine, Two and Four. Elf Number Two told Elf Number Seven. He told Brenda. Brenda called her girlfriend Lucy.
By opening time Brenda had incited the ire of all fourteen elves, and a plan had been formed. Jule-tide was going down.
For the next few hours the elves were busy with very un-elfish duties.
Lucy, Brenda’s girlfriend, came to Style Gorge with supplies to execute the plan.
By afternoon, the mall was so busy that nobody noticed when Rudolph was stolen from Santa’s Village and hidden behind a Christmas tree. Quickly, Brenda and two elves took some super-glue from Lucy’s bag of supplies. With a quick “Sorry Ru” Brenda proceeded to fill up Rudolph’s opening, right underneath his tail.

When Santa went to the bathroom, Chad quietly creeped in after him, and motioned to the other elves to follow at a distance.

“Hey Jules!”
“Jule-tide please. “
“Yeah, Jule-tide, so um, what you said to me, about homos?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You did. I heard you.”
“Ok fine. What? What?”
“Well, you should apologize. I’m sure you didn’t mean it?”
“Oh hell no! I don’t even want to share a bathroom with you sick fuck. Keep your fairy elfish dick to yourself and leave me alone!”

“Ok. Jule-be-sorry!” Chad said under his breath.
He turned to leave the bathroom just as Santa started dropping his pants.
Santa thought he was alone.
“Um, Jule-tide?” Chad said opening the door again.
“AGH! FUCK!”
Santa jumped and hit his arm against the side of the urinal.
“I thought you left!  What do you want!”
“I think Brenda wants to talk to you. Urgent. When you’re done of course.”
Santa muttered something as he shook his dick.

“Ok he’s coming!” Chad whispered loudly to the others as he ran out of the bathroom. Moments later Santa came out of the bathroom, and headed over to Elf Two.
“I heard Brenda wanted to talk to me?”
“Yeah she’s inside Santa’s workshop. I think its important. I’ll keep the public out until you’re done.”

Santa went into the workshop. “Brenda? You in here”
“Yeah I’m here! Can you help me?  Rudolph’s mechanism is stuck and I need to fix him.”
“Why don’t you ask the elves?”
“Those incompetent fools?  Please Jule-tide.  Plus you have big hands, you can probably grab the lever better.” 
“Ok what do I do?”
Just stick your hand in the hole under Rudolph’s tail and feel around for a lever.
“Ok. Wait I don’t feel anything.”
“Go deeper.”
By this point Santa was kneeling on the floor with his arm up to his elbow in Rudolph.
“Why is it wet in here? I think my hand is stuck!”
“That’s the point” Brenda muttered.
“What was that?” Asked Santa.
Nothing. You probably need the screwdriver, here.
Santa held out his other hand.
“Lucy! We’re ready!” Brenda yelled.
“Who’s Lucy? What’s going on here?!?!?”
“Lucy is my girlfriend, she’s here to help us teach you a small lesson.”
At that point Lucy came out from behind Santa’s Chair, and carefully placed the dildo, covered in Super Glue, in his outstretched hand.
Jules looked in shock and tried to stand up but all of Lucy’s 250 pounds came crashing down on his back as she straddled him. Ok he’s down! She yelled.
Brenda quickly pulled down Santa’s pants and covered his ass in whipped cream.
Santa of course was yelling at the top of his lungs. The elves quickly pulled the curtain open just as Lucy and Brenda ran away giggling.

There was silence, as two hundred parents, and their children were exposed to the sight of Santa with is arm in Rudolph’s ass, holding a dildo in the other hand and his pants down, whipped cream dripping down his thigh.

One little kid screamed “I wanna picture!!”  and the silence broke. After five minutes of frenzied commotion and hundred of flashes going off, Chad closed the curtains, “MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!”

The picture of Chad closing the curtians made it to the front pages of most newspapers. Brenda was fired but charges were mysteriously dropped after Lucy visited Jules’ house (to make sure he was ok of course).  Jules dropped the Santa gig and was never seen again, although rumors circulated of a rather large, mean tooth-fairy for hire.

And that’s the story of how Chad ruined Christmas for lots of kids, but got even with Jules. I heard it first-hand from Chad. He even said that Style Gorge gave him, and all the other elves quite a nice lump of money for what they called “trauma damage” but in reality it was for him to keep the incident as quiet as possible and not distribute any of the pictures of Santa on his knees. 
Chad was able to pay his rent, and was the toast of many holiday parties.

It was a jolly season after all!