8:30 pm and I am at the gym running like a demented hamster on the treadmill. Someone gets on the treadmill next to me and starts running. After twenty minutes of running side by side, both of us lost in the world of our iPods, I glance, doing a once over and quickly glance away. He’s perfect. Tall and somewhat toned. His hair is fine, slightly wavy, a light honey blond that flops over his eyes as he runs. I glance over again out of the corner of my eye and make contact with deep green eyes and a slightly crooked smile. I quickly look forward, just in time to keep myself from falling off the treadmill. If I am going to die, it won’t be in front of the most gorgeous guy I have seen in ages. I keep running and I can’t help doing something which many would argue is a trait of the feminine psyche. In my mind an image of us flashes living together in a perfect condo, no make it a perfect loft with perfect leather furniture and a perfect view as he pours me some wine. I am so lost in my daydream that before I know it the time on the treadmill is over and perfect stranger is gone.
“So what you are telling me is that commitment, the blissful ever after is a fantasy?”
I’m having lunch with Marina and Beto and I am telling them about the gym guy fantasy.
“Well, yeah. We’re human. Evolutionarily we are not meant for life-time commitment” I respond to Beto’s question.
Marina quickly adds, “I agree. I mean, its not impossible, but the majority of couples stay in it out of comfort – in the long run I mean.”
“I just can’t accept that the concept of soul mates doesn’t exist” sighed Beto.
Marina answers, “No, soul mates exist, but it’s interesting that the excitement of building a future together is there at the beginning of the relationship, and then, somewhere along the line we still love that person, but… but we realize that the person we invested so much in doesn’t fulfill us completely, or if they do, then something else is missing. So we move on to the next fantasy.”
“So you and Kari…” I venture tentatively.
“She loved me. But I couldn’t give her what she wanted. She was my soul mate, and I will always love her. I guess it was a wrong time wrong place situation.”
“Why does it always come down to that? Perfect timing. In my experience most men think that one is either ready to move in with them, marry them, have their kids, and you’ve only talked to them a handful of times. Or on the other extreme they just want NSA sex.”
Beto looks at me and responds, “because men fall into two categories. They’re either not looking for commitment or their biological clock is ticking. And those will grab whoever crosses their path first.”
“And then you have the in-betweens.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Marina, the ones that are in relationships but want to act like they’re single. The ones that convince themselves they can’t live without you but wish they were single.”
“Uh-oh. What’s going on?”
“I think Frat-boy may or may not want to be cheating on me.”
“Details please.”
“I caught him chatting with some girl named Stavinska online. After all the years it took him to commit, he finally does, and when he does, decides he wants the best of all worlds.”
Marina looked at Beto. “Stavinska? Is that a name?”
“It sounds like a mail order bride.” Beto responded.
I interrupted them. “I understand, the need for something new, something fresh…”
“So what happened?” Beto asked.
“Well he had been staying up really late at night on the computer and I couldn’t see what he was doing but I could hear the ding of the chat notification going on and on. Finally one day I was at the farmer’s market and I run into this girl who I recognized from yoga. We make eye contact and she seems really nervous. I say hi and ask her if she recognizes me. And she says yes, and says she knows I am the Frat-boys girlfriend. That surprised me. Before I could ask her how she knew that she said she was sorry and she’s been having a lot of issues with her girlfriend. Anyhow she ended up telling me the whole story of her online affair or something like that with my boyfriend.”
“Wow, her girlfriend??? Frat-boy was banging a lesbian? Well banging in the virtual world…”
“Thanks Beto for putting it so poetically. I would rather say he had a flirtation. Anyhow I got home and asked him what was going on and he lied. He said he didn’t know any chunky big-breasted Russian red-heads. So I told him what had happened at the market and he finally admitted they were exchanging messages of a very sexual nature, but he didn’t really apologize. It was more a justification. Anyhow I wonder if someone stronger and more independent than me would have seen this as a sign we are moving apart. I don’t know, what do you think Marina?”
“I think that you don’t want to rock the boat. I think that its probably not the first time he’s done this to you, because the first time you do something like this you feel so guilty you don’t keep it going this long or lie about it so easily.”
“I beg to differ” said Beto. “Frat-boy is a good guy but his problem is he’s immature and probably just saw this as a way to fantasize without getting caught. This reminds me of Enrique and Carlo though, do you remember Enrique did the same thing to Carlo? Had an online affair for months. The difference is that they’re actually not even working on their relationship at all.”
“I had forgotten about that! You’re right, and Carlo found out and even after he found out he still stayed with Enrique even though he later found out that Enrique kept doing that with several people.”
“I wonder why they don’t break up.” I said.
“Because after so many years their hell is better than an unknown heaven. Or at least more comfortable, and they don’t realize life is passing them by. They’re scared that if they let each other go, they won’t have commitment anymore without realizing that they never had it.”
We finished our lunch soon after that and each went our separate ways. As I drove home, I thought about what Marina had said, about how some people prefer a comfortable hell than and unknown heaven. I knew that Frat-boy and I still had a lot of fight left for our relationship, but at the same time there was a thin line between sticking it out, fighting for it, and just settling.
It made me wonder about those couples that cross the line into complacency. Did they see it coming? Was it so easy to believe that they couldn’t live without their partner, to the point where they could sacrifice what they wanted and needed? Were they ever ready to admit that maybe, just maybe being with their partner was not a waste of time, but it was however wasting the time in which they could be with someone that truly gave them what they wanted and needed.
I hoped that Frat-boy and I wouldn’t become that couple. Ever.
And then I started to daydream about our future, and it was beautiful because it was much more than just a dream about a loft with leather furniture.
So very wise in so many ways…comfortable hell vs. unknown heaven…that rings soooooo many bells darring. Love it
Posted by: J | Dec 03, 2009 at 03:25 PM